Hopefully you had the time to read Part 1 on how I would fix the Rangers. That was kind of Plan A. Should that be unable to work, I offer a few Plan B’s. Hopefully one of them might work.
Clone Sean Avery.
You all know the numbers by now. With Sean Avery in the lineup the Rangers are something like 412-1-7, and without him they are something like 0-9,842,101-1. Err, maybe my math is off, meh, either way, when he is in there, we win, when he isn’t we lose. So why not just go to the extreme? Clone the guy. I mean, he already does everything for this team, why not just have a team full of Sean Averys? Makes sense to me. In fact, I went to my neighborhood Zoltar machine:
Which, after quite a few quarters, and a disturbing glimpse into my own personal future, I was able to finagle the following picture out of the machine:
So, there you have it, an army of Sean Averys at our side, and no other team would stand a chance. Though the slight flaw in this plan is eventually the Averys will get so sick of their trash talking that they will wear out their welcomes, leading to every other team in the NHL to have a Sean Avery, except for us, in 3 years time. Sadly that means despite winning the cup, we go through a 15 year drought without sniffing the playoffs because we improved every other team with those moves.
A REAL home ice advantage.
My 2nd backup plan is for the NHL to institute a new policy. All New York Rangers home games will only last one period. Following completion of a 60 minute game, the Rangers talk to the refs and decide which of the 3 period they actually want to count. Sounds fair to me.
You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.
The Rangers constantly take idiotic penalties. They constantly make the wrong play when covering guys in their own zone, they constantly pass when they should shoot. Practicing doesn’t seem to help with these guys, and losing doesn’t seem to make them want to change their ways. So I propose we have every Rangers player on the ice wear an electric dog collar. Whenever they make a bad play, Tom Renney pushes the button, and the entire team gets shocked. How’s that for accountability? You screw up, you get zapped, and so does your whole team. Think Marek Malik would be ok with an up the middle pass that gets picked off then? Not when Martin Straka murders him the next time he visits the bench.
Well, that’s it for me fellas. I had a few more ideas, but this already has taken way too much time outta my day. Hope you enjoyed it. Now think up your own ideas, go to NYRangersCast, and submit them.
